Psalm 42:6 and 11
“O my God, my life is cast down upon me [and I find the burden more than I can bear]; therefore will I [earnestly] remember You from the land of the Jordan River and the summits of Mount Hermon, from the little mountain Mizar.
11 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in od and wait expectantly for Him; for I shall yet praise Him Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.” Amplified Version
After the Affair Written by Marlene A Hibbard
Change-Turn Around
We hope you realize that staying together or reconciling after an affair does not mean you have solved the problem in your marriage. Some peace-at-any-cost types pat themselves on the back for taking an unfaithful mate back and compare themselves to Hosea, the Old Testament prophet who took his unfaithful wife back numerous times. God had a specific lesson to teach Israel through Hosea and he followed God’s plan. Throughout the scriptures God used marriage as an example of His relationship with His people. Both the victim of betrayal and the infidel need to know that God expects repentance and that means a turn around, a turning from sin and restoring the relationship with your mate. That’s going to take some work. Speaking of Christ-following sinners, Jay E. Adams* states, “You have one option only; to change in God’s way and by His power” (Solving Marriage Problems, Biblical Solutions for Christian Counselors; Zondervan 1983). Before you say it’s impossible please read this verse from Matthew 17:20: “…If you have faith (that is living) like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible to you” (Amplified New Testament, Zondervan 1958).
Many believers, including some counselors, think reconciliation after heinous sins is hopeless due to adultery, homosexuality, addictions, (drunkenness in Corinthian language). Adams points out there is great hope for such sinners and reveals Paul’s attitude of those who practiced the very same sins, “These are what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11 NIV; Zondervan, 2002).
Is God still in the washing, sanctifying and justifying business? God can change theives, infidels, drunkards, and homosexuals. So why settle? With which statement would you rather face God at the judgment? “Well, I stuck it out with that cheat.” Or, “I thank you, God, for teaching me that prayer and trust could change us and make our marriage what you wanted it to be. Because of our problems, You used us to become light to those around us that pointed to you”?
Why Settle? Take Advantage of these Resources (Free)
There are resources available. There is no need for secret suffering nor does it bring any glory to God. Find a counselor who understands Biblical principles of marriage and Biblical principles of reconciliation. Marriage isn’t an endurance course. It’s meant to be a picture of Christ and the church.
1. Go to www.NANC.org, (National Association of Nouthetic Counselors) in your search engine to find a counselor near you. On the home page click on find a counselor. After reading the paragraph scroll down and see fill in your zip code if you are within the United States. Under the miles box be sure to click any and if you have a plethora of choices you can narrow it down to 50 miles etc. Their site says that most NANC counselors offer their services for free.
2. Focus on the Family also has a staff of licensed Christian therapists who will happily offer you a free, confidential session over the phone. They can also refer you to a qualified marriage counselor in your area. The counseling staff at Focus on the Family can be reached Monday through Friday 6:00am to 8:00pm Mountain Time at 855-771-HELP (4357).
3. In Touch Ministries will pray for you over the phone and refer you to Focus on the Family to reach a counselor. Their number is 1 800-789-1473.
“God wants to see problems solved and marriages brought to a better-than-ever condition. With Christ, his concern is to transform a bad marriage into a marriage that sings.” (Jay Adams, Solving Marriage Problems) You’ve heard it said, “Aim for nothing and you’ll surely hit it every time”.
Please leave a comment in the call-out box at the top right of this post and sign up for our newsletter in the sidebar.
* Jay E. Adams is an author, retired pastor, for director of advanced studies in practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary, and founder of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation in Laverock, Pennsylvania.
More Resources:
Fret Not
Fret not is a phrase found multiple times in the Bible. Psalm 37 is referred to as the fret not psalm (song).
Rare are the cases of being totally at peace after a husband or wife has walked out. Do anger, hatred and revenge fill the heart and mind of every victim of infidelity? Cheating is a form of abuse. Does anyone find peace in this situation? I know of one woman, we’ll call Shirley, who responded to her pastor/husband’s unfaithfulness with peace and confidence in God. Shirley never spoke against him to her two adult children but assured herself and her daughters that he would come back to her. He had moved out to live with the other woman. Shirley’s trust was completely placed in God, not man. She was willing to suffer as Christ had suffered for her. Any fears she may have experienced were never spoken nor were any harsh words expressed to her girls about their father. No church members heard the gossip about their pastor from her lips. In time, her husband did return to her, the wife of his youth (see Proverbs 5:18). He undoubtedly suffered many consequences for his sin but Shirley didn’t have to bear any guilt for a mean, hateful attitude or regret horrible things said to their children. What a testimony she is to any who know her trusting spirit. Both daughters and their congregation saw her faith in action. Her tongue didn’t betray her husband or her God.
Why Not?
Did she fret for herself? Her prayers were often for the children, her husband and the other woman. When a spouse walks out for another lover, you have many urgent needs pressing you. How will the children survive financially, bear the emotional pain and embarrassment, how will their future change, will your mate still provide for college? It’s easy to fret about the future and assume that this is a permanent situation. You may ask yourself, “How will I respond in a Godly manner if and when my spouse returns?”
It’s difficult to plan for your children’s or your own immediate needs or for the future without worrying over these things. But to fret is lack of trust in a God who loves to meet your needs. We wish that all our readers could meet Shirley and pick her brain. So far, we haven’t even been able to do so. She never talks about the past. But consider from God’s word why fretting is a slap in God’s face.
Here’s a list of reasons why you should fret or be afraid.
1. God’s promises are not true.
I Peter 5:7 “Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you.”
2. God is powerless to help and has little or no resources.
He owns the cattle on a thousand hills Psalm 50:10
3. There is great wisdom in fretting.
The fool has said in his heart, no God.
4. God doesn’t deliver his people from troubles.
Psalm 34:17, 19, 41; Psalm 50:15, 54:7 “…I will deliver you.”
Make your own list of verses which prove God is worthy of our trust and share them in the comments section.
Recommended Reading Does your library have an inter-library loan system? You may be able to borrow some of the recommended reading books through them. If not here’s a link to purchase through Amazon. Did you know you can download a free kindle app for your computer? Look in the left hand column on Amazon and if the book is available in kindle you may save money. Click on the picture to buy at Amazon.
Three Steps to Forgiving Yourself
If you’ve been betrayed by anyone, to move forward now you probably need to forgive the person or persons who have betrayed you. But you may also need to forgive yourself. You could be thinking you are somewhat to blame for the actions of another person. Let’s consider three steps that can help.
Step1. Let Go of the Past
The apostle Paul tells us to forget those things that are behind. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” (Philippians 3:13NIV) Learn how in Step 2. No more beating yourself up with guilt. Confess any wrong doing on your part and accept God’s forgiveness. (I John 1:9)
Step 2. How? Replacement Principle
Each time a bitter thought or self-pity comes to mind, replace it with good memories or a picture of a bright future. Attempting to shove the bitterness down in your left leg will not help. You must replace the thought with a positive one. This is a Biblical principle. Example: When someone reminds me of my short comings or brings up my past failures or quirks, I remind myself of the one positive declaration my mother once made. “You are very strong.” she announced as she watched my reaction to a painful situation. Find something positive to tell yourself and cling to it like contact cement.
Step 3. Fill Your Mind With Good
Memorize Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” God declares you forgiven according to I John 1:9 and many other scriptures. Not even you are allowed to condemn yourself now. If God is for us who can be against us. Who can bring any charge against you if the Holy One has put your sin so far behind his back that it can’t be seen? (Romans 8:33) No condemnation. Don’t go fishing in the sea of God’s forgetfulness.
Here’s a book tip:
If you don’t have a copy of Lord, Heal My Hurts by Kay Arthur, you are missing out. It is formatted as a daily devotional with space for you to write your thoughts if you wish. It is very helpful to go back over the answers you fill in as you grow and learn from your pain. Do you find, as I do, that you forget what God has taught you and need to be reminded? When I was reading through this devotional, I made a commitment to read Psalm 139 every day, but soon forgot. As I glanced through answers I had written in Lord, Heal My Hurts, I was reminded of the promise I had written. Click on the link beside the picture and read the description of Kay Arthur’s devotional. It also comes in book format. Leave a comment and tell our readers how it helped.
Tips to Take You Through the Tough Times
In the last post we talked about the first tip which is developing an appreciative attitude. Did you make that list and review it each day this week, thanking God for all He does for you? Did you think about this one?
Tip # 2 Mind Control
God gave you the ability to control your own mind. Your mind, in turn, controls your emotions. Circumstances don’t have to rule your feelings. Take charge of your thinking, by an act of your will. Feed it what you want to feel. Are you experiencing painful conditions? Does it hurt so deeply you can hardly breathe, does your head feel so heavy you can barely lift it? Then, realize that stress blocks your ability to think with clarity. Before you can get control of your thinking you will need to do some relaxation exercises and deep breathing. Practice these techniques below on a regular basis. After or during each session tell yourself you will survive this trial. Speak the words out loud, “I am a survivor. I’m strong in Christ. This will not defeat me.” You will learn to control your thinking. Paul, the apostle, was beaten and left for dead yet he said, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed…” (II Corinthians 4:7-9 KJV).
God is for you. “If the Lord had not been on our side when men [people] attacked us…they would have swallowed us alive…Our help is in the name of the Lord who made heaven and earth (Psalm 124:1, 8).
“Maybe you look around and God seems distant and uninterested…the sense of loss or abandonment is too stinging, but… it’s at that point that the wonder and the comfort of the Psalms can speak most loudly to you” (Chris Perry, see entire message entitled Songs of Our Story under sermon archives at www.Treasurecoastpca.org).
Breathing/Relaxation Techniques
Lie on your back in a comfortable position with your arms by you sides and no clenched fists or teeth. Some neck support such as a rolled up towel is good but don’t use a large pillow. The entire back should be straight. Breathe in as deeply as possible through you nose for 10 or 12 seconds, then hold for a couple of seconds. As you slowly exhale from the mouth, focus on any area where you feel pain. If you are not in pain, consider this. Are you a person who takes your stress out on your mouth? Do you grind your teeth, or purse your lips when you are upset? Does your jaw feel tense right now? Most people take their stress in the mouth or abdomen. Whichever is true of you, focus on that area while you exhale. Tell those muscles to relax. Repeat five times and focus on any area you wish and imagine yourself sinking into the bed or mat. Always perform this exercise with your eyes closed and in the dark if possible. Shut out anything you possibly can in order to stay focused on relaxing. When you begin to feel relaxed (this may take a few sessions) tell yourself, audibly, that you have a powerful God who is on your side and He gives you power as you trust Him. Feel His love surrounding you.
It’s also possible to relax and shut out everything around you. Deep breathing can relieve you in the middle of a crowded room. Maybe someone is coming toward you who brings to mind a painful memory and you begin to tense up. Just breathe.
Humor “Just Breathe” Story
I once approached the counter in a business where I planned on reaming out an employee about an unsatisfactory product. He could tell by my approach and facial expression what was coming. I opened my mouth and he said, “D-e-e-e-p breaths,” drawing his open-palm hands up to indicate. I totally busted up laughing. My nasty attitude gone. Try smiling and remaining angry. Control your mind.
Print out this post and keep it by your bed or wherever you plan to do your relaxation deep breathing. Think pleasant thoughts.Next post you’ll read about an amazing woman who suffered betrayal.
Recommended Reading
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Credits on Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques: Much of these materials are taken from Jordan Rubin’s Perfect Weight America; Jim Rohn’s CD’s on Goal Setting; Living Foods for Optimum Health, by Brian R. Clement with Theresa Foy DiGeronimo
Tips to Take You Through Tough Times
Do the people you work with ever complain? Huh! What a joke. Total strangers will complain to any listening ears about the parking situation in a city. Hospital patients complain about the food. Students complain about the teachers. Driver’s complain about gas prices, it goes on and on. It’s not a natural instinct to be grateful. We grumble and complain the whole week through. But in the experience of those who practice it, thanksgiving is very therapeutic. In the next three posts we will look at some tips to take you through tough times such as facing betrayal. These tips can make a difference between struggling or surrender to God’s will. When you do it God’s way, in the end you can say with the patriarch, Job, “when He has tried me I shall come forth as gold” (Job 23:10 NIV).
Today, try tip number one. Then come back for tips two and three and see what a difference it can make for you, your children and all those around you. Best of all, you can look back at this trial without guilt.
Tip #1 Develop an Appreciative Attitude
Betrayal can rock your world when you’ve invested love and trust into a relationship and in return you’re thrown a curve ball. Maybe it was your spouse, your parents, a business partner, or even the counselor who failed to follow-up as promised with your addiction-struggling loved one. There is hope, though. An excellent exercise exists. Take a pen, paper and all the discipline you can muster. Even if the paper becomes wet with tears, it will dry. As you write, you will feel the change taking place in you. Those tears will be kept in a bottle by a loving God (Psalm 56:8). In Psalm 84:5 and 6 the song-writing sons of Korah sing:
“If they find their strength in God and their hearts are set on the pilgrimage even when they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping*), “they make it a source of spring water” (Psalm 84:6). Weeping can be turned into springs of water. It may remain for a night but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5 NIV).
Just one requirement, you have to be willing to do this exercise. Think of anything you can be thankful for and write it down.
Try some of these suggestions to get you thinking:
* Baca “passing on the way through the valley of Baca (weeping or Balsam trees)” (according to Merrill F. Unger, Unger’s Commentary on the Old Testament Vol. I; 1981, Psalm 84:5,6).
Don’t miss tips 2 and 3, if you’d like an email reminder when a new post is entered, just sign up by typing your email in the sign up box.
Please leave a comment and ask us to be your prayer partners.
” Pain plants a flag of reality into a fortress of a rebel heart” author unknown
Charles R. Swindoll quotes this in a small booklet entitled For Those Who Hurt
TAKE POSSESSION!
Are you sitting and wringing your hands wondering what to do about your situation? No need. Take possession of what God has for you. Joshua asked the Israelites after they reached the promised land, “How long will you wait before you take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you” (Joshua 18:3). God wants you to ask Him for all your needs. Go for it. Claim His promises. He’s on your side.
Map copied from the NIV Color Coded Bible
A Quick Tip For the Day:
Start the new year with a firm resolve not to let hatred turn into bitterness and darken your heart and your demeanor. Don’t let this betrayal define who you are. Rise above the pain with God’s Word in your heart.
“Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11) “Be sober! Be on the alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone to devour. Resist him, firm in the faith” (1 Peter 5:8).
“Above all else, guard your heart” (Proverbs 4:23)
Written by Marlene A Hibbard
Interview with John J. Iamaio, Family Counsellor
Dear Readers:
We want to welcome our guest blogger, John J. Iamaio. We’ll interview John today and I know you’ll benefit from his years of experience in family counseling. John, please, tell us a little about you before we get to our questions.
John:
My wife and I have been married forty-one years. We have two children and six grandchildren. I have served as a senior pastor for twenty-two years, taught at Webster Christian High School for twenty-three years, and, as you mentioned, I’ve been in family counseling practice now for twenty-two years. I’m an elder at Wheatland Community Church. (John’s education credits below)
Marlene: Great, our readers can get to know you better as we hope you’ll come back to join us again on our blog.
John, I’ve talked with victims of unfaithful spouses who are Christ-followers and want to do the right thing. Certainly, we all want to see Christians respond to suffering in a God-honoring way. But would you agree that it takes a number of steps and some time to make that proper response? Sometimes, well-meaning church leaders have pressed the wounded partner to immediately forgive the offending party and continue to live in the same house before any healing has taken place. What would you say to that victim who is being pressed in this manner?
John:
I agree that American Christians have a tendency to want solutions to complicated relational problems quite quickly. Two major reasons for this are: We believe that we don’t have time to work through all the complexities and we don’t know really what to say about the particular complexities so we come up with religious statements to help pacify our minds such as, “God hates divorce.” As you alluded to, even well-meaning church leaders have pressed the wounded partner to immediately forgive the offender and to even live in the same house before any healing takes place.
But, I would say to the wounded partner that for healing to take place, time is essential. Love is built on trust. If trust has been violated, it will take time for healing to take place and for love to be reestablished.
Marlene:
John, what should be the responsibility of the church to help both parties?
John:
The church should broadcast that the Biblical concern is that both parties get the necessary help in a wounded relationship. Elders should be aware of any abuse going on in the homes of the members. Approach to these homes needs to be dealt with much wisdom and concern. Preachers and the congregations should deal publicly with the matter of relational issues, abuse and dysfunctional relationships. Ephesians 4-6 would be an enormous help with these matters. If abuse continues as a lifestyle, the steps in church discipline should be seriously considered, Matthew 18:15-17.
Marlene:
Is there a passage of scripture regarding temporary separation that can apply here? For instance, if the offended party feels they need time alone, and the unfaithful partner does not agree to it, does that constitute sin on the victim’s part for insisting on separation?
John:
One particular text for separation is 1 Corinthians 7. Yet, within the context of such separation, the elders need to oversee the people and time allotted. 1 Peter 5:1-3.
An insightful text that I would recommend concerning the matter of church involvement in abuse situations is “Mending the Soul” by Dr. Steven Tracy.
Marlene:
I did peek at Steven Tracy’s book, John, after you suggested it, and I was very favorably impressed with his insights. I am adding a link on this blog for our readers. (Ugh! still struggling with getting the link on here, I’ll try again tomorrow.)
Thank you very much, John, for sharing your experienced viewpoints and wisdom with us today.
John: I hope this has been a little helpful to you and your readers, Marlene. Please, let me know if I can be of further help.
John Iamaio, Bachelors in Theology, Master’s in Biblical Studies, Master’s in Counseling, PhD in Counseling.
Readers: Please leave comments and ask questions if you wish.
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